Monday, May 28, 2007


the killer.
the cobra.
the professor.
the lion king.
the little prince.
the puma.
il falco.
the cricket.
il pirata.
the badger.
the cannibal.
and so on...

seems like all the good ones are taken.
but there is one.

so, i am reserving it now.

fyi everyone; when i turn pro, it's
the unicorn.
got that?

no if's, and's, or but's about it.

as a pop-quiz, first one to correctly identify all above listed nicknames gets a giant trophy!


vladimir karpets.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

good, bad, or ugly?

the ali g show is fantastic.
you know ali g right?

well you should.
you have probably at least heard of borat.

well, sacha baron cohen created 3 characters for his tv series 'da ali g show', that he uses to interview people:
ali g; an under-educated hip-hopper, borat; a backwoods kazakhstani reporter, and bruno; a gay austrian fashionista.

hilarity ensues.
like so:

well, his 3rd feature film is now in the works, but it might suck.

the ali g movie was a stinker. but for whatever reason they made it a scripted movie, not a series of interviews like the show. it didn't work.

borat was a hit.
a big hit.
it followed the formula.

so now the third character is getting a film. how will bruno be?

will borats success, and cohen's fame take away from the kamikaze style of interview that cohen is known for...
bruno is a pretty freakin funny character, but i don't know how it'll translate if everyone interviewed knows they're being made fun of...

what you think, gentle reader?

here's a bruno clip from the show for reference.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

erik zabel.

"It doesn't make any difference whether it happened one time or over two years, the point is that it was forbidden to dope, and I doped. I doped, I lied and I apologize for that."

He was unable to control his voice or hold back his tears when he spoke of his son Rick. "My son rides, too, and I don't want him to go through what I went through," said the four-time winner of Milano-Sanremo.

- erik zabel, from cyclingnews.


that settles that.

zabel, aldag, ullrich, basso, landis, hamilton, andreau, heras, etc, etc.

will lance fess up?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

long story.

opus again.

i only really showed up to see if i won some wheels. and to maybe ride the womens race as a coach.

i didn't really feel like getting my ass kicked again in the big show.

so i rode out with the sr, and when we got to registration i asked skibby how many lgr ladies were in attendance.


only 7 women in the race. no lgr. boo.

so then i had pretty much no choice but to race the final opus for real, kind of.

i lined up, the whistle blew, we descended, i dropped my chain.
get it back on, chase in the little ring, catch on. shift to the big ring, drop the chain again.
no chasing at this point so i pull off into the staging area, do a few slow circles around the lot, and jump back in the pack as they come by. someone decides to crash about 15 seconds later.
someone else crashes too, all on their own.

i'm tailed off.
repeat parking lot scene.

jump back in. realize i really need to used the restroom.
pull out again for a nature break. from the port-a-potty a hear the pack come by twice.
wait for them, and jump back in.

3 laps later, get dropped. see sr up the road a minute later, catch up.
ride with him, he's bitching about a free lap or something.

the kruse catches up to us.
with 4 to go he asks for some assistance to stay on even laps.
what the hell else am i doing?
i'll work.

sr also works, but pulls a pretty sweet stunt for the photographers that i am surprised he hasn't told you about yet.

3 gut busting laps later, we are half way up the climb, when the pack comes blazing around the corner for the final sprint.

i yell at andy to gun it because they're on our ass.
we have one to go, but all he has to do is beat the leaders to the line to stay even and just roll the last lap.

it was pretty epic.
he squeaked it out by half a wheel i bet.

sr bitched at the officials for 10 minutes about how he should not be down a lap on account of the crash that affected him.
he was scored -1 lap on the results.

the officials let him rant, and i would have to inform him later that he was beat to the line on that final lap by swanson and marcotte, and went down a lap in the last 4 feet of the race.

they gave him his free lap, but he was still down one.
i still don't think he gets it.

oh well. all-in-all i think i went down 5 laps.
maybe 6.

(i was also scored at -1 lap. ha!)

power rankings week 2

ok, you ungrateful bastards.
here you go.

2007 Track
Power Rankings!
bib #:
+/- from
last week
James Tainter 16
Rode Hello Velo in the US National Champions Jersey. Like a champ, he was only one who tried to chase Hanna's move in the Keirin.
Luke Winger
Lees-Mcrae -1
Still on fire, like his juggling pins.
Brian Crosby 3
U of M -1
Fancy wheels.
Fancy attitude.
Doug Regester
Has the Wiley Coyote been hit by the proverbial anvil?
Chris Smith
Urthel Team 35+
The Puma is stealthily climbing the rankings like a... er, puma.
Chris Ferris 2
Sub 12
It's gotta be the small wheels...
Joe Hamlin 14
Probably still pulling out the splinters from Hello Velo.
Tyler Denniston 8
Cat Sex
A Hello Velo no-show dropped him in the PR.
(The field at OPUS dropped him too).
Kevin Schaefer 50
Loon State
Skibby sez, "Power Rank This Too."
Andy Kruse
Kruse up a few more spots... is he on the hunt for the TROY jersey??
Rob Danneker 36 Grumpy's/LGR +3
Even though Kruse is the stoker, Tuffy is just behind in the Power Rankings.
Pete Hanna

Grand Performance
Huge win at Hello Velo put Hanna on the map, but now he won't show up again for a month...
Tim Mulroony
Got an upgrade to the Cat 3's, probably deserves another one too.
Ben Dubay

Was seen riding.
Fred Stephens


Others to watch in the Men fields:
Ben Richter (UA): We still expect big things from big ben.
Ted Schmid (LSC): Bigger than the Donimater?
Taylor Olsen (LSC): Bigger than Schmid!
Matt Allen (LGR): If he'd shave his legs he'd pick up at least 2 mph... I'm just sayin'...
Tim Hayes (LGR): blah, blah, blah, super rookie!

2007 Track
Power Rankings!
bib #
+/- from
last week
Gwen Steel
Holds the #1 in the PR and wears the TROY
leaders jersey! Holy Crap!
Amber Koehler 5
Alan Factory +1
Steady and strong competition, but she'll really
have to bring it to bump Gwen from #1.
Sara Brokaw

Super strong showing at Hello Velo, but will
she show on a thursday night??
Steph Thompson 4
U of M -2
Losing ground, but she can make it back.
I think.
Steph Sibet 45
The newbie is proving to be a force to be
reckoned with.

Others to watch in the Womens field:

Barb Harrick (Velo Bella): She didn't win anything, but went home with $40 in primes on Saturday. Pure genius.
Sarah Stratton (LGR): Obviously taught Pete Hanna everything he knows about track racing.
Elena Dorr (U of M): Hello? Are you out there? Hello?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

inside info.

in an effort to save a little more cash towards my european vacation, i have decided to pull out of the racing action in duluth over the memorial day weekend. so you can all relax, you are no longer riding for 2nd place.

i'm a little bummed, i think the races will be really fun.
so if you are going, i'm officially jealous.

i am also missing the
north american cycle courier championships in san francisco, that same weekend.
but, i will be able to live vicariously through k-murder, so all is not lost.
sf messengers are notorious for throwing good races. i'm sure it will be super fun as well.

so i headed up to the track yesterday afternoon to retrieve a wheel i left up in the new trailer, and as i am walking up to said trailer, i hear the distinct sounds of the boards creaking under the weight of riders, and the whoosh of sound as the fly past on the other side of the boards above.

curious to know who was out training, i make the jaunt down the tunnel and out the opposite side.


complete shock.

there they were. both of them.

training, apparently, to win several obscure state titles that had not been contested in some time...

i could not believe it.

yes friends, the tandem track records are in serious jeopardy.

p.s. power rankings update soon.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

hello sunshine...

hello velo was a success.
a surprisingly chilly success.

my race report would be kinda sad, so i won't type it out.
let's just say i'm waiting for the circus races to be over with...

here are some highlights:

hanna showed up a showed us that he should have been included in the power rankings.
we still think everyone was tired from thursday, but none-the-less, he still pulled off a spectacular move in the keirin...

the puma was a bit more lethargic than thursday, mayb
e he made a recent pumpkin loaf kill...

the rookie tried to show hanna how to win the keirin, but hanna made it actually work.

tuffy. on fire. must be the motivation of not being at baseball practice.

dw is sticking to the right kinda tactics and seeing much better results because of it. excellent.

and, the littleguy did not have his normal 9 hour warm-up working as a courier all day, and it seemed to throw him off...

so here are the updated power rankings, special pre-"hello velo" edition.
they proved to be pretty spot on, with only a few surprises.

what's that? you want a printer friendly version for your records?

2007 Track
Power Rankings!
bib #:
+/- from
last week
Luke Winger
He is on fire! It must be the new bike... it's red.
Brian Crosby
U of M
Pipped at the line! He may be the TROY Leader, but he was outclassed in the PR!
James Tainter
A falling star? Or, a lurking tiger?
Doug Regester
He made the move, but it didn't stick... does he still have it?
Tyler Denniston
Cat 6
No freaking way.
A Cat 6er? Way up here? WTF?
Joe Hamlin
Big Joe, was off the front all night on Thursday... Couldn't seal the deal.
Chris Ferris
Sub 12
Have the lights gone out on Captain Midnight??
Ben Richter
We expected big moves, we just didn't know it'd be in this direction...
Chris Smith
"The Puma" has leaped up the rankings! It must be all that pumpkin loaf...
Kevin Schaefer
Loon State
Skibby sez, "Power Rank This."
Spencer Haugh
3 spots? Only fell 3 spots? Who creates this crap anyway?
Andy Kruse
An impressive performance. Is there a second act?
Joe Dubay
Your State Ski Champ had a good night, but will the gear restrictions hurt?
Rob Danneker
Holy crap. Will he complain?
Dan Curell
The only Cat 4 on the list. I bet he won't be a 4 for long...

Others to watch in the Men fields:

Tim Mulroony (Hollywood): He showed up, but can he find his 'track legs'?
Alex Atherton (LSC): He's been hanging with the big boys in cat4/5 field.
Tim Hayes (Grumpy's/LGR): Because he helped make this list.
Ben Dubay (LSC): Should be up there, but a no-show on Thursday dropped him from the list.
Don Schmiecheal (LSC): Did I spell your name right? Eh, you won't notice anyway...

2007 Track
Power Rankings!
bib #
+/- from
last week
Gwen Steel
"Steel. So hot right now." -Paris
Steph Thompson
U of M
I think she is faster than Crosby...
Amber Koehler
Alan Factory
She can smell the #1 spot from here.
Can she get there?? We think so.
Elena Dorr
U of M
No Racey? No #1 then.
Sarah Stratton
Hot out the gate! First time on the PR!

Others to watch in the Womens field:

Steph Sibet (U/A): She's a bike messenger. That's gotta count for something. Right?
Barb Harrick (Velo Bella): She's got the big move up her sleeve. When will we see it?
Jessica Wittwer (Birchwood): Feeling the burn of competing against 2 strong teams... can she find a teammate?

Friday, May 18, 2007

we are all happy again, and we can stop bitching.

that's right.

the track season kicked off last night, and there was a great big amount of riders.
most of whom would have been wondering around with their heads up their you-know-whats, if it weren't for the track new race whip.

ray looked official with his clip board, and he even kinda knew what was going on.

it feels nice to give back to the elderly, you know?

oh, and there was some racing too. of course lgr was the best looking team out.
we even won 2 races, one heat, an omnium, and the hearts of the people.

not a bad night.

me? i felt good.
i feel like i could be training more, and harder. but, it also seems like i am starting right where i left off last season. which is super great, because i was going good last year, and i can tell the off-season work has raised the glass ceiling and i'll have a lot of room to improve this season.

so watch out! i'll be climbing right up those power-rankings soon!

other trackie news:

- the puma was out. fancy hed wheels. (what a jerk).
- the cruise was on cruise control and riding well.
- the sr actually worked for teammates. (correctly!)
- the little guy is a force.
- tuffy is the freight train that stopped boonen.
- lgr women are gonna own the track.
- ferris and richter need some more miles.
- luke, the dark side.
- national champ can still throw down. that fool was in breakaways man, breakaways!

i brought my camera, but i didn't use it. so i'm stealing all ray's photos.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

complete pre-season power rankings.

Mens 2007 Track PowerRankings

James Tainter
Hollywood Cycles - He is the National Champion. Until he is beaten he is #1.
Ben Richter
U/A - If it wasn’t for Tainter…Richter is hands down the best all around rider at Blaine. Hopefully he will race this year.
Doug Regester
Tonka -The “old wily one” is legendary at taking laps in longer races.
Brian Crosby
UofM -Some think he should be #1, so does ‘Bing.’
Chris Ferris
Sub-11 -”Captain Midnight” aka “The Dark Knight” aka “Dude with the bike with crazy geometry.”
Luke Winger
Flanders - Luke is easily one of the top riders. He is so good that Flanders signed him.
Joe Hamlin
Hollywood Cycles - Joe is a beast. He no longer looks like a beast either.
Spencer Haugh
Grumpy’s/LGR - Hmmmmm. He isn’t really this good, but he likes to think he is.
Tyler Denniston
Cat 6 Racing - ”Skidsy” is real fast, but he appears to be behind in training. Could it be his job?
Ben Dubay
Loon State - He is fast. Faster than Smithers.
Don SchmeichelLoon State - If Tainter is a 640HP Porsche, then “Donimater” is a Hummer.
Kevin Schaeffer
Loon State - ”Skibby” is a dedicated cyclist. Promotes more races than anyone. Nothing to knock him on, but does he have the time to train?
Tim Hayes
Grumpy’s/LGR - Perhaps Tim should spend more time on training than writing meaningless Power Rankings, and eating Ben & Jerry's.
Chris Smith
Team Urthel 35+ - Not faster than Ben Dubay.
Andy Kruse
Hollywood Cycles - Near the top of the Cat 3 field. Fighting to upgrade to race against his best friend Mike Pederson.

Others to Watch in the Mens Fields:

Pete Hanna (Grand Performance), if he shows up.
Matt Allen (Grumpy’s/LGR), the crowd favorite!
Fred Stephens (U/A), the mystery man.
Tim Mulrooney (Hollywood Cycles), should make a rapid climb thru the catagories.
Derrick Lewis (Cat 6 Racing), too good to be on Cat 6.
Joe Dubay (Loon State), State Champ on skis.
Mike Downs (Loon State), new, and very strong team for Downs this season.
Rob Danneker (Grumpy's/LGR), wants to make the list really bad. Will it be enough?

Womens 2007 Track
Elena Dorr
UofM - Elena is tough comp for
anyone, and can always be a
factor in any race.
That's why she's Number #1.
But can she hold on to it?
Gwen Steel
Grumpy's/LGR - Gwen was on the
warpath all last year, and it lead
her all the way to Elite Nationals.
On a new team this season, and an
eye on that #1 spot, Gwen will be a
deciding factor in the women's field.
Amber KoehlerAlan Factory Team - Amber got faster
and faster all last season.
Has she continued the trend
over the winter months?
Jessica Whittwer
Birchwood - A new rider to the velodrome
last year, Jessica was placing well by the
seasons end. The question is, will the
notoriously large Birchwood women's team
actually come out to the track to support her?
Barb Harrick
VeloBella - Barb knows racing. Maybe not
the fastest, but she knows what move to be in.

Others to watch in the Women's Field:

Sarah Stratton (Grumpy's/LGR), if she can make it to the end of the race, she can close the deal.
Meghan Rocker (Velo Bella), becoming a track regular, and thats bound to make her a contender.
Steph Thompson (FCCC), she can't win unless she shows up.
Danielle Barrett (MnJRC), she's got alot to learn... and learning she is! quickly too!
Maria Stewert (UofM), gone are the days of UofM domination... can she win with only one teammate?

Monday, May 14, 2007

you catch more flies with shit.

well, well, well.

the recent debacle over at concerning blog posts, (particularly; etiquette, manners, respect, and decency in blogging), has got me thinking about this site and it's intent.
just who is the readership these days? and why?

this blog is supposed to tell it like it is, from my perspective with no sugar-coating.

see, smithers was the neutral blog, superrookie is the 12 year girls diary, and skibby was for... um... what the hell is skibbys blog for?

anyways, mine is for evil.

it's 'where assholes come for ammunition'.
that means, you (the assholes), come here to get mad about what i'm saying, and i just don't care.

but as some sorry sonovabitch, that i am not going to honor by even bothering to click a few link to find out his/her name, pointed out:

"how many of you can post on your blog and get 50 comments?"

i'll tell who should be.

there is absolutely no reason why smithers should be stirring up the most drama... he's totally a big soft marshmellow.
but this blog has gotten soft lately, like a warm pumpkin loaf.
maybe it's the winter months, who knows, but it has gotta change.

so here is the official (dis)pencer season update:


you're all on the juice
. (except cat 6, they can't be, they suck too bad).


you're all on the juice
. ...or you're working too hard.


...hang on, the giro's on. um, what was i saying? oh yeah. juice.
but who cares? it so fun to watch on the versus network!

well that covers cycling in general, but i like to get down to the real story. you know, the working mans cycling politics. some real blue collar shit.
so let's dig a little deeper shall we?

local teams:
good: grandstay, lgr, silver.
suck balls: everyone else. (particularly whatever team redmond is on, and urthel).

national teams:
good: a+f, the argyle team, and all of the pro womens teams.
suck balls: heathnet, number one ball suckers for sure. oh and then toyota-united, and ... well everyone.

international teams:
good: disco. they know when to hold 'em, and they know when to fold 'em.
bad: tinkoff. what the hell are they gonna do now?
sucks balls: everyone else, really who cares until someone from their team gets popped?

ok. what's next?

how about the track? that's easy! it's awesome because roadies suck too much to ride it. they're scared! haha!

and cross? i like artificial mud in my courses, and more man-made barriers than the uci allows, and i don't give a crap.

and the uscf? screw them! let's go abr!

mcf? doesn't that stand for mindless cluster fuck?

oh also, i hate america, and some of my hobbies include burning flags and littering.

comment away jerks!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

the season is upon us!

hello, and welcome back to the dispencer blog.

today, i have an important topic for all of you that fancy yourselves fast.

the fast season is about to begin!

that's right folks, track racing at the nsc velodrome is starting up this very thursday night!
with the added bonus of a huge blow-out season opening party, and even more great racing to follow on saturday!

free beer and boyz in spandex!
(so you know skibby will cancel any other plans to make sure he's there)!

bring the whole family.

lgr was there today in full force, helping to spruce up the place and shake the dust off the track before the big event. i did some painting, dan-o did some building, super rookie did some whining... good times.

that's dedication, baby.
i was there after the bike club tt, which by the time i got home, had me at about 10 hours of chamois-time.

so my 40k was slower than i was hoping for, but faster than it was the last time i did one, so i'm chalking that one up in the win column.

sure there were a few problems, because no race can go off without a hitch.
first was the fact that i don't yet have a computer for the tt bike. so i had no real idea of how well i was going... i only had hr to base off of. no so hot.

then there was the brake rubbing.
i noticed it right before the start, and tried to do what i could, but that wasn't much.
so every 30 seconds or so for the next hour and five minutes, i had to reach down and pull my brake away from the rim.

anywho, back to the important stuff.
come out to the track on saturday. because you aren't doing shit else, you godamn lairs.

besides, it'll be fun.

Friday, May 11, 2007


is the night before a 40k tt the right time to glue a new tubular on your disc wheel?

probably not.

...i'll let you know.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

opus. it coulda been worse.


i managed to compete at opus last night.
i was in contention, and on even laps the entire time.

the fitness is coming around, and last week it felt fine. and i even took a random flyer off-the-front...
...which ruined all of that "feeling fine" crap pretty quick.

this week, i tried to race smarter.

it's pretty hard to do for me.


well, here is a short list of some of the things that i have been hit in the head with:
  • fist.
  • nightstick.
  • car.
  • rock.
  • brick.
  • cop car.
  • marquette avenue.
  • bmx track.
  • windshield.
  • 11th street.
  • mag-lite
  • another car.

there's more too, but damn if i can't think of them right now.
...wonder why...

Monday, May 07, 2007

team leader.

i love roy.

so far this season, i was dropped in two races in iowa.
dropped at durand.
and, dropped at 3 opii.

then the roy races began.

after being dropped into submission, and dnf'n at ken woods...
(at which little guy and super killed themselves to finish respectably)...

and, skipping out on marty to avoid further embarrassment...
(at which little guy and super rookie killed themselves trying to finish, but sadly did not).

i went to the charity tt, and sucked major ass.

it was windy (30-35mph) and shitty, and i was pretty much white-knuckled the whole time just trying to keep the bike upright... and well, i finished last in my cat, but i stayed on the road. barely.

but with only 6 other brave souls in my cat, (none of which were lg or sr), i score big roy points!

i am now the team leader.
bow down.

it's a beautiful system.

in other charity tt news;

ians time is scary fast. nearly everyone was 45 sec to a minute down on their regular times, and he lays down a 14:40.
totally ridiculous.

my aero helmet caught more cross wind than it cut through... tossing my head this way and that... makes it hard to concentrate on the tt effort... but at least i looked cool, right?

remembered that tt's suck.

remembered why i like tt's.

remembered that i suck.

i also debuted the tt rig.
more on that later.

closed circuit to team: you are all working for me now. you know that right?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007